Because sometimes, SOMETIMES I get kicked down a notch.

For the near ten years I've been active in worship ministry, I am learning that it's the simple things which sometimes take awhile to register. I would imagine this is one of those life quirks designed to keep us on our toes, because if we knew everything right away, our egos would swallow us whole. I don't know anybody who that's worked out for, though I know many who like to think it has. I've decided they must be Decepticons.

I remember taking a personality test a few years back, the one where it tells you what color you are and then lists your dominant traits. Then they stick you in a room with everyone else like you, and suddenly all is right with the world. It's a semi-awkward yet enlightening situation where everyone nods their head and says I KNOW! I KNOW! and then you all group hug.

The results: I'm a Perfect Melancholy. We value quality, and we'd much rather be the legs of an operation than the face. We care more about a job well done, than receiving any credit for it. And, we are primarily introverts. I have fought tirelessly (actually, that’s just a term – I get tired often) against myself and the habits of my personality vs. the things ministry has demanded of me.

(SIDENOTE on the topic: Adam Young of Owl City---I'm not a fan, but maybe imitating Ben Gibbard spikes your IQ too?---reposted a blog entry recently which explains introversion quite well: http://owlcityblog.com/2011/06/27/10-myths-about-introverts/ )

It’s not often that I write about the things so near to me – I write about the follies, the hilarity of life. But underneath all that, is a deep thinker. So bear with me here.

My introversion has been a hindrance for as long as I can remember. Over the years, I've become so uncomfortable that people presume to know me when really they've just consistently seen me onstage. I perceived it as a gross violation of privacy. Like I'm sure you mean well, but I'm not all shits and giggles and I'd rather not set you up for disappointment. IF YOU DON'T MIND.

Don't ask me where that comes from.  

A few weeks back I was leading worship at my church, as I do quite often. Afterward, several people approached me to say thanks for the morning. But the one who stood out, was the woman who could hardly say anything at all, she was so overwhelmed.

It's not out of the ordinary, it's happened many times. I very often won't know how to take these sorts of exchanges, though I've learned to say 'thank you' (as 'you're welcome' seems self-righteous, but going into a spiel about how it's not me, seems no less so). And in the quiet of the afternoons that followed, I realized something else. I've spent so much time resenting people's attention because I feel they are mislead, instead of acknowledging the weight of it—which is, the Spirit at work in me. Irrational as it sounds, for me to say I've blessed someone, seems awfully presumptuous. But in my attempt to downplay it, I've overcompensated and probably invalidated a great many people.

And it brings up the point which is, I think sometimes we are trained to think that any acknowledgment of Christ’s use of us, is in itself terribly cavalier. (Like even if you know it, you don’t SAY it. That’s just manners.)
 
I've hoped people will lower their standards, instead of accepting the challenge to be the person they perceive. And if I truly believe my ministry is HIS ministry, to be at all offended by the attention and the perception of those I am ministering to, is arrogance. I say I understand this, but I've really not understood it at all. Every instance I've taken personal, has produced more faith in myself than in Him. It rendered me silent, to realize that God would use an ignorant vessel who thinks she understands, despite the fact.

Inadequacy is humbling enough, but when it's staring you in the face with a giant I TOLD YOU SO, it’s hard not to realize just how merciful our God is. I'm a remarkably protective person -- protective of my time and my trust. And if I feel they are being invaded, my fists go up. I have allowed myself to believe they are mine. Leave it to my unassuming and gracious church community to show me otherwise.