The only thing missing was the breakfast bell. And by bell I mean airhorn.

Welcome to the Gong Show. 

Family vacation. It's the endangered species of the Stillar Animal Kingdom.

Believe it or not, we are all in agreement that this is how we want to spend our coveted time off.

It's rather nuts, if you think about it. Or if you know us. Or if you have any sense at all. And so, we set our standards high. Got to make it worth everyone's while. 2009 was a raging success, maybe more accidents than were necessary, but what's a few casualties in the face of old-fashioned fun? Dad unearthed his sense of humor, Kelsey learned how to replace a shower door, it was all good.

I don't know when we started liking eachother's company so much. Then again, our story is less about growing up sworn enemies who stole eachother's boyfriends, and more about a bunch of homeschoolers growing up stuck under one roof and who didn't know hating your siblings was the cool thing to do. Given as much, we genuinely like eachother. And we obsessively anticipate this time of year. Probably due to our size and the fact that it's just not the same without all of us present. We're like the Pirates of the Caribbean, only with less eye makeup. Get us all in one room and the whole damn world flips upside down.

Some people think us crazy but secretly they're just jealous. The week before was packed with preparation and email chains and excitement, enough to make our friends be all I WANNA COME! except Mom went all legalist this year and it was by reservation only. Come the week of vacay we were booked, and I'm sorry, your name isn't on the list. I'm also sorry you're a loser. We know you can't help it.

This year was even more organized than last. It was planned much like the Olympics are...years in advance, lots of money spent, and exploitation of labor. 

A rundown of this year's activities and workshops:

(NOTE: an oversight, though already on the list for 2011.... scheduled entertainment. I call Boys vs. Girls Butt Charades.)

Roasting the Perfect S'more

How to Execute the Perfect Underwater Sneak Attack

How Not to Execute a Tantrum

Hula-Hooping for Skinny Bitches

Catching Fishies. Here fishie fishie fishie.

What Happens When You Disturb Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be Disturbed - I Don't Care If You Just Showered and Put On Dry Clothes.

Floating the River (Pre-Funk included)

Volleyball, Volleyball, Who Has the Volleyball?

(This is pretty much what I did the entire time.)

The girls celebrating their win. Their one win.

Dad went for a dig.

Kicking Ass at Tube Wars

NOT PICTURED:

- Poker for Die-Hards (we saw a whole new side of Erica, let me tell you)
- Surviving in the Pacific NW Bush (Kelsey may or may not have seen a snake)
- Hunting for Snipes (Ashley, we love you)
- Skinny-Dipping 101 & 201 (no comment)
- The Riveting Game of Bananagrams


And more! But not watching the Food Network because apparently that's not allowed on vacation...

Meals were assigned, each one a buffet affair. It reminded me a lot of summer camp, lining up when the breakfast bell rang and filing through to fill our plates. Except without the quietest-goes-first rule. Around here, the quickest goes first. Classic entertainment was watching Erica work herself into a tizzy that culminated in kicking Luke out of the kitchen... Apparently cooking for large groups intimidates her. Somebody suggested casserole and she said COOKING CASSEROLE INTIMIDATES ME so I was all JUST PRETEND IT'S A HAND OF TEXAS HOLD 'EM AND OWN THAT SHIT! 

Speaking of friendly competition...

This is one vein which runs deep. Minus the friendly part. What is more, I am without question the least athletic of my kin. Coincidentally enough, I am also the only one to possess an ounce of sensitivity. Combined they rendered every volleyball match a mere matter of time before somebody turned to me with YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK! GOODBYE!

The physchological repercussions of these circumstances, are another story for another day. I'll need a few beers first.


It should come as no surprise that by the last day, we were more than ready to come home. Vacation is nice, and family is priceless, but too much of a good thing is always dangerous. We are already stocking up on ideas for next year's epic adventure.


I arrived home and remembered, a week too late, that Kelsey hadn't brought along the slip 'n slides, so I was all WTF?? She said she'd left them at home on purpose. Something about re-evaluating the effects of hard ground + gravity combined with a bunch of twenty-something's who aren't exactly spring chickens and well, weren't we sore enough from water sports and volleyball? 


Who cares about that, I just wanted a good story. Mom's best friend still loves to recount the time we all were playing on the slip 'n slide as kids and mom, in her spry early 30's, said STEP ASIDE KIDS, LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE and proceeded to give us a demonstration. To hear her tell the story, she'd say the moment her feet left the ground, she realized two things: 1) I am way too old for this. 2) I am moving way too fast.


She covered the length of the slide in a few seconds and, propelled by sheer momentum, slid across several feet of grass only to face-plant into the chain link fence.


And to think we missed our shot at a re-enactment.